he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
