Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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