not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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