I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
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