The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Randomize
