All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
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I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
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