yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
