addddeeerrraaaallll.
ok i'm not sure if that was a success statement or a cry for help.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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