He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
We could never date. He doesn't drink and he won't bring me tacos after sex. He's on that healthy life bullshit.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Randomize
