just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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