you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
if only i could text you this smell
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
She shouted out halfway through "that costume does nothing to hide your cock". Last time we let her drink at the theatre.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
when I finally convinced you to get off the floor you looked at me wild-eyed and said "the carpet was a VAST EXPANSE OF SEA"
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