He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Randomize
