i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
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Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
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But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
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