Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Naked. Naked is my favorite color.
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