wanna go halves on a baby?
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I vaguely remember seeing that couple making out in front of that store and i yelled "I ALSO LOVE THE ROCKY MOUNTAIN SOAP COMPANY!"
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
