I wish I only lived at night.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat
repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
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