you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
