I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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