You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Look, you're talking to the wrong girl here. Tacos>dick always and forever
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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