Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
I woke up to blood crusted on my face. I don't understand
team rage. no explanation necessary
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
I'm sorry but I have WAY too many sex/ hookup related bruises on visible areas to be going home tmrw
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I just jerked him off with one hand while holding my wine glass with the other and watching Congo. I feel like this was a preview to my married life...
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
