my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
That's when you crack a 10am beer
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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