im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
Randomize
