in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I mean, the night I fell out of that bus I made you pour vodka onto my wound to clean it, then duct taped a paper towel to my hand and kept drinking.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
No I feel the same as usual. Mopey with a chance of bitch fits.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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