I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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