dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize