it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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