I CAN MOONWALK!
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I won't apologize to a one balled man
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
Randomize
