Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
