Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
