My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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