I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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