we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Uhmm, it's called hentai.
I DON'T CARE WHAT IT'S CALLED I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT ON MY WORK COMPUTER
If I die, sorry about rent.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
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