Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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