mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
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