I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
He is either going to be in my pants or get a restraining order against me.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
We got out of the car in valet drinking beers we gave the valet one as a tip
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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