When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Whoever thought of breakup sex is my new best friend
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
Randomize
