can we get nightvision for the apartment?
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
So squirting runs in the family.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
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