If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
My attempts to make you laugh have failed exceedingly. Naked snap chats it is
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Randomize
