Soap is not a condiment
Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Miscalculate d the jungle juice, it's actually 10%. Can't taste the diff anyway but my stomcha is warm. Come play pongm.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
