Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
