someone owes me an orgasm
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
This can't be good. I've realized that I weigh less in the morning after I have had a blackout drunk night than when I work out and eat healthy.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
May the power of my ass compel you!!
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
Randomize
