I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
