In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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