It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I accidentally KO'd a baby in the airport. Thought you should know.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
He is really real. Like I know where he works, have referenced him with mutual fb friends and I've seen his dick. He's real.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
