It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I left my coke in the bird nest in the bathroom stall last night but I found it nest and all in my purse I love morning suprises
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
