Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
