Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
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