You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Use "feeling words"
Yay
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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