smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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