what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Be here at 9 and look fabulous. We have drag queens to impress.
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
