I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
