I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
Once you share a nude experience with someone and three Norwegian guys, you're bound for life.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
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