apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
Hahaha. I'm so high, this is gonna be so intense. Even the DVD menu scared the shit out of me.
Go ahead without me. This chick is buying me drinks and just found out her husband is cheating on her. I think I just found the next level of revenge fucking: Scorned Trophy Wife Sex
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